So far the ‘Couple Diaries’ have steered clear of the S-word. For one thing, there were so many more aspects of ‘couple-dom’ which drew my focus, the ‘coupling’ part kind of took a backseat (you don’t really notice you’re breathing while you’re concentrating on…say…food do you?). And frankly, it’s a part of your life you don’t really want broadcast over the wide world and it’s tangled webs. But then again, for how long can you ignore this very important (some say critical) aspect of ‘together life’ when attempting to pen down the Couple Diaries? So here I go taking the plunge – and in a completely diabolical way so as to spare S (and me!) the embarrassment of having our ‘private’ (our take on ‘public places’ is not admissible as a question…so next!) lives discussed. So without a shred of conscience I have shamelessly scavenged on experiences of friends, foes and even family folklore. Yes, the pen plays scurvy tricks. What? It’s called ‘researched writing’. And since you don’t know them, you can’t judge.
So here’s the lowdown on sex – couple style!
1. Mission-ary – the most blah position right? Not really…in couple speak this refers to ‘sex with a mission’ – the mission can be convincing him to invest the annual bonus in savings instead of a sports bike, or dissuading her from letting her parents visit for a month. Practiced successfully by nearly 70% of the ‘researched’ couples so give it a try – but be gentle (read: subtle).
2. Doggy Style – Calm down boys, it’s not what you’re thinking – this is to be taken very literally. Couples have pets together (sometimes they have children also), and pets need attention. So think nothing of having at it while your doggy (or cat, or goldfish, or snake) share the room with you. Traumatic for the mute creature? Depends on what you look like naked I guess.
3. 69 – A number more magic than 42 (if you haven’t yet read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, do it now! No seriously, stop reading blogs and go read real stuff!). It’s not for nothing that they say healthy relationships are based on ‘give and take’ – a true test of ‘equality’ in a relationship and hence hardly ever achieved the way it’s supposed to be (mere 20% ‘success rate’ among ‘researched couples’). Yes, relationships are all power play once you’re passed the star-gazing – so ‘enter’ at your own risk. But once you do, you know why Bryan Adams called Summer of ’69 the ‘best days of our lives’!
4. Lap(top) Dance – you don’t need to go to Vegas for this one. What it boils down to today is the partner with the more pressing deadline pounding away on his/her laptop, while the other dances circles around in anticipation for a different kind of pounding. The roles may reverse without warning, even on a daily basis. Seems to be our winner with 90% success among ‘researched couples’. If you’re single, you’re probably going “whew”, but if you can’t take No.4, you don’t get to enjoy No.3 either. Think about it.
5. Woman on Top – I can hear the the more ‘enlightened’ feminists hissing in objection as to why this phrase should get a specific mention at all in an ‘age of equality’, and the ones I like to call ‘fashionable-to-be-thought-a-feminist’ feeling happy and proud (fodder for a different post which I shall not write until I have studied the subject more in depth). But moving past all that, listen up carefully now people. This gets a green light from 100% of the guys (they of the ‘researched couples’ fame) and a 100% thumbs down from the women. Interesting outcome, and I wonder what we’ll find if we explore this Pandora’s box further…the post on ‘feminist guys’ is definitely going to see the light of day soon.